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"Now that's a good cup of joe."

"The good ended happily and the bad unhappily; that is what fiction means."- The Importance of Being Earnest

"We are Sunshine. Those perfect moments between us are like a magnifying glass focusing what we are together into great, apocolyptic demise for ants..."

"And there I was searching every other place for the right words, when suddenly it all came to me, and they divined from my very own heart, spilled onto the page, staining each inch like blood pouring out from my very core."

"My brain is a Sunshine factory."

"I never look back, dah-ling; it distracts from the Now."
"You think that it's not magic that keeps you alive? Just 'cause you understand the mechanics of how something works, doesn't make it any less of a miracle...which is just another word for magic."
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MahJongMonkey
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Name: Tomkin
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Birthday: 6/24/1991
Gender: Female


Interests: I love to sing, draw, write, read! oh and photography. See my deviantart. (website)
Occupation: Student, Sister, Daughter, Fri


Message: message me
Website: visit my website


Member Since: 3/30/2006

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Sunday, November 04, 2012

Coming Back?

So seriously, I've felt pretty down, and usually do when I decide to try and come back to all of these old blog entries.  There is so much in my past that was so dark for so long.  Although I love beautiful words, they were usually beautifully sad.  But here I am thinking about writing again and I start to type.  All of the negative starts stumbling from my fingers just like it used to, except not as pretty anymore.  There were only a few random paragraphs typed and I stopped for a moment with that cursor blinking at me.  All of a sudden I felt trapped.  It wasn't even on Xanga that I was typing, it was this place or that place or this or that mostly-empty journal.  So many new outlets I've tried to create to get away from the dark things here, yet I'm right back to where I started... with the negative.  Not that this is a bad way to vent- shoot it's probably good for me and I haven't done it in a very long time- but I feel like I've backed myself into this corner.  Who will see what I'm writing? What will they be thinking of me and all of these sad, angry words?  

In a way, when I used to write here years ago, I wanted the anonymous attention.  I wanted to throw whatever I had into the universe.  But everything is so connected now.  And let's just say that people on your Facebook, if they bother to read, aren't going to do so for very long with this crap.  People want to know how good things are going.  Actually, I read an article a while back about how Facebook is making people depressed because everyone only posts how happy and picture perfect their life is.  At least, that's all that people can really take away from a profile page.  And what do we do with the bad if it's publicized?  Then you're just awkward to approach right?  Or people get worried and try to "help."  Really, if you need to vent, it'd be better to do it through privatized pages no one will see.  Or in my case, it's better to vent to your husband, because well... he should know instead of the entire web.  

So long story short, I erase all the crap I was typing and come back to my xanga.  I want somewhere to say my piece, but this place is so juvenile.  This is what I did through high school, how can I change what I made it into? How do I pick up randomly, and attach it to the end of all the crazy stuff I was writing years ago?  My login is so easy, and I'll never forget it.  I don't know what to write now, and I sort of burned up what I was feeling before, so I'm clicking through my archives.  Slowly, as I look through the months, I start to see how hopeful I was just a few years ago.  I wanted to tackle everything head on and experience things and find myself.  As I became happier, I actually wrote less, and tried to follow prompts and thought-provoking subjects to write positively about.  Then I just never finished anything. I quit the 30-day challenges I was writing on, and they are spread over months and months.  But overall... I reminded myself by reading some of those things, that I could think happy things.  I have my dark days, but somehow I can find the good.  

Shoot, so much has happened that I have not even written down.  Not even feelings.  I've gotten married and we've moved OUT and back IN with my in-laws.  I made my page all about Starbucks so long ago, and now I'm actually working there.  I could write blogs even about how ridiculous working at Starbucks is! haha  But I need something to do.  I need something just for me that I can do in the space that I have.  I need to get back in touch with that hopeful and striving girl I was.  Oi, girl. I'm a woman now... I think. Oh, the wheels are turning now.  There are so many stories I want to write just to catch up, and so I don't forget them.  Things that have happened in my first year of marriage.  Maybe I'll write about the past year for now, just to get the juices flowing again.  But anyways.  I'm willing to try this.  I need anything that is just about ME to keep me sane.  Kinda losing myself, it seems... gotta find it again.


Day 19

It's hilarious to me that I'm deciding to pluck away at this 30-day-challenge like, 2 years later.  But what better day to pick up on than "Another Picture of Yourself" when I can post something that pretty much sums up where I've been?

Day 1- Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 2- A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3- A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 4- Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5- A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6- A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet.
Day 7- Your dream wedding.
Day 8- A song to match your mood.
Day 9- A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10- A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11- What's in your makeup bag?
Day 12- A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13- Your favorite musician and why? 
Day 14- A TV show you're currently addicted to.
Day 15- Something you don't leave the house without.
Day 16- Your celebrity crush.
Day 17- A photo of you and your family.
Day 18- Something you crave a lot.
Day 19- Another picture of yourself.
Day 20- The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21- A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23- 15 Facts about You.
Day 24- A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25- What's in your purse?
Day 26- A photo of somewhere you've been to
Day 27- A picture of you last year and now and have you changed since then?
DAy 28- Your favorite movie.
Day 29- Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30- A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened to you in the past 30 days.


Friday, May 27, 2011

Opposite Ends

We're always at opposite ends.
Of time and of space and of mind.
Though for moments we cross,
make ammends,
hold on tight,
we still look at each other
One from day,
One from night.

I want to be with you.
You would like that too.
But it's your time to be busy
burning and stressed
while my day turns to blue,
I tire, 
and rest.

We're lucky for patience
we're blessed with these times.
Though on opposite ends, 
we're doing just fine.
There aren't many days left, 
not much longer at ends,
before we will meet in the middle again.

 


Sunday, May 01, 2011

Doodling in Church


Swirling
Overflowing
Bleeding Ink

Carrying away
my attention, 


Taking my feelings
and letting them disappear
into meaningless
doodles. 

Filling the page
Spreading out awkwardly
Making you wonder
"Why?" 

My conscious mind
is wandering
but not lazily.

I can feel the Motion
the Zoom
the Rush of air
as the ideas pass me
and cross each other.

So random.
From all corners 
of the Inside
of my MIND. 


Thursday, April 07, 2011

Day 18

I don't normally have cravings, and if I do they are for a wide variety of things.  Lately, however, I've been doing really well with my exercise and eating well that if I miss a snack and my hunger gets the better of me, bad food sounds soooo good.  For the past week or so, Pizza keeps coming up in conversation and whatnot, and I would just... LOVE some pizza.  In actuality I know it doesn't make me FEEL very good, and it's really not worth the splurge, but oh does the thought of it make my mouth water!


Day 1- Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 2- A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3- A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 4- Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5- A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6- A photo of an animal you'd love to keep as a pet.
Day 7- Your dream wedding.
Day 8- A song to match your mood.
Day 9- A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10- A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11- What's in your makeup bag?
Day 12- A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13- Your favorite musician and why? 
Day 14- A TV show you're currently addicted to.
Day 15- Something you don't leave the house without.
Day 16- Your celebrity crush.
Day 17- A photo of you and your family.
Day 18- Something you crave a lot.
Day 19- Another picture of yourself.
Day 20- The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21- A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23- 15 Facts about You.
Day 24- A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25- What's in your purse?
Day 26- A photo of somewhere you've been to
Day 27- A picture of you last year and now and have you changed since then?
DAy 28- Your favorite movie.
Day 29- Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30- A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened to you in the past 30 days.



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