A Paper Chain

Writing a letter.
The beginning of a paper chain that I am making to stretch between Omaha and Home.
Difficult but all too easy.
Satisfying, I hope, once complete.
Don't ask questions, just get it done.
Take a stack to the post office ASAP.
Should there be stacks?
Will there be?
Right now a single piece of paper is frustrating enough.
So many words to say.
Easy to tell by mouth,
or reveal in bits by text.
This is more.
A letter it will be, then!
This is my idea, and I must hold to it.
Have to be strong and make enough links in the chain so that over a month, there will be an easy trail to follow home.
Have to go write, and eat breakfast, and face the real beginning of the adventure.
Rehearsals start today.

Oh boy, Starshine.

A Million Introductions

And this wasn't even the real start.  I've not met the entire cast yet, but in 24 hours I've met more people than I've ever had to.  From very nice people to strange people to crazy people to... lots of them!  And there will always be more to meet.  Just thinking about it is exhausting.  But at the moment, there isn't much to do, and until there is... I'm having a hard time.  But I musn't text him or call him... even he told me to wait two weeks... I must.  I'm just having a hard time... trying not to...but I really am.  It's only the second day.  Once rehearsals start, I'll be more busy.  Maybe I'll be able to temporarily forget... I don't think so.

New Message

First saved voice message from telephone number (415)------- recieved on Sunday at 10:38 pm.

This message is for Senoway, eh Senoway if this is your cellphone number which is what you gave me... this is um.. jennifer... my daughter... passed away this morning, and I don't know how to reach you... soo... if this is your number... call me back.

I finally got around to checking our online messages and this was there... I lost track of how many times I listened to it.. it reall hit me... If you could hear her voice.  Her daughter passed away that morning?  I wonder if it was necissarily her getting choked up in those pauses at the end.  In this short message, I got a deep emotional view of a stranger from California, who mixed up my number for this "Senoway".  I don't know if Senoway is the actual name, but that's all I could make out of it...

It...

makes me sad.

 
Alright, I saw this icon and just HAD to laugh... then it sort of reminded me how I hate clothes sometimes.  I've said plenty of times, when I live in my own house one day, (or when no one is home) the annoying layers are coming off! hahahaha  My brother had a funny "bucketlist" of things to do before he dies, and one was to spend a full 24 hours nude.  If you think about it... not many people do that.  Now I'm not saying I'd like particularly to walk around my house totally in the buff.  A few years ago we had neighbors living behind us who loved to keep the blinds open.  Not just the blinds but, the sliding glass door to their backyard.  I happened to be looking out my window-since I have my bed right up to it- and looked out to chance our neighor breezin around in his birthday suit with the blinds and everything open!  I was mortified and closed my blinds which were not reopened at night for quite some time, Haha!  I'd at least take some precautions before going to that sort of extreme, but it's fun to go crazy dancing in your underwear every once in a while!

I don't really know why I felt like saying that... probably not necissary, BUT it's been a while since a post, and quite frankly... I don't care! Muahahaha!

Many Days

It's almost when you decide that much will change in your heart that it doesn't. 
You find yourself looking back while you're in this moment, layering the past over the present as it's all happening; a smile or laugh that doesn't match underneath the transparency you've placed, of the past, over it. 
You are back to wondering why there is this distance between you on the couch.  Wondering whether or not you should have stood up to give a hug.  Once again you don't know why you let go. 
This is just the same as it was 9 months ago, and I wish I understood why. 
Maybe not even why, but how. 
Maybe not even how, but... some other question that doesn't exist and means all of these things combined? 
On the surface it's like something has changed while inside you're confused because you still feel the same for them.
You don't know how to react.  You're done crying about it, because it doesn't make sense to be so sad.
What you were sad about may not even have been relevent because it wasn't fully understood.  You're tired and confused and frustrated and angry, but at the same time you sort of wipe your mind of any threatening emotion and simply be. 
You get tired of crying, whethere there is a good reason or not. 
You get tired of running in circles in your head and not knowing how to get anything across. 
The questions start, but eat at their own tails until there is nothing to really ask. 
With nothing to ask there is no answer. 
With no answer there is no knowing what or why you feel what you do. 
Settling for a general distance apart is more difficult nearly a day later. 
You begin to wonder about them, and the short time that you get to finally see them, in which you should feel relieved, is just enough to start the panic.
Not a big panic, but a small racing whir in your mind, an ache in your stomach.  Worry.
Worry about what?  Nothing happened.  Nothing is wrong...  You know that's the "answer" you will get should you try to ask a non-existent question again.
Circles.  Feelings.  You cannot go in search of that affection that was never actually returned... or was it?
How to attain the answer? 
Perhaps a break is inevitably quite on time. 
One month.
One day has not even gone by and you're starting to itch inside.  This is uncomfortable, and you're nervous.
All for the better?
You go back to dreaming bittersweet nightmares, and tell yourself not to panic...
Not to worry....

goodnight, starshine