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So seriously, I've felt pretty down, and usually do when I decide to try and come back to all of these old blog entries. There is so much in my past that was so dark for so long. Although I love beautiful words, they were usually beautifully sad. But here I am thinking about writing again and I start to type. All of the negative starts stumbling from my fingers just like it used to, except not as pretty anymore. There were only a few random paragraphs typed and I stopped for a moment with that cursor blinking at me. All of a sudden I felt trapped. It wasn't even on Xanga that I was typing, it was this place or that place or this or that mostly-empty journal. So many new outlets I've tried to create to get away from the dark things here, yet I'm right back to where I started... with the negative. Not that this is a bad way to vent- shoot it's probably good for me and I haven't done it in a very long time- but I feel like I've backed myself into this corner. Who will see what I'm writing? What will they be thinking of me and all of these sad, angry words? In a way, when I used to write here years ago, I wanted the anonymous attention. I wanted to throw whatever I had into the universe. But everything is so connected now. And let's just say that people on your Facebook, if they bother to read, aren't going to do so for very long with this crap. People want to know how good things are going. Actually, I read an article a while back about how Facebook is making people depressed because everyone only posts how happy and picture perfect their life is. At least, that's all that people can really take away from a profile page. And what do we do with the bad if it's publicized? Then you're just awkward to approach right? Or people get worried and try to "help." Really, if you need to vent, it'd be better to do it through privatized pages no one will see. Or in my case, it's better to vent to your husband, because well... he should know instead of the entire web. So long story short, I erase all the crap I was typing and come back to my xanga. I want somewhere to say my piece, but this place is so juvenile. This is what I did through high school, how can I change what I made it into? How do I pick up randomly, and attach it to the end of all the crazy stuff I was writing years ago? My login is so easy, and I'll never forget it. I don't know what to write now, and I sort of burned up what I was feeling before, so I'm clicking through my archives. Slowly, as I look through the months, I start to see how hopeful I was just a few years ago. I wanted to tackle everything head on and experience things and find myself. As I became happier, I actually wrote less, and tried to follow prompts and thought-provoking subjects to write positively about. Then I just never finished anything. I quit the 30-day challenges I was writing on, and they are spread over months and months. But overall... I reminded myself by reading some of those things, that I could think happy things. I have my dark days, but somehow I can find the good. Shoot, so much has happened that I have not even written down. Not even feelings. I've gotten married and we've moved OUT and back IN with my in-laws. I made my page all about Starbucks so long ago, and now I'm actually working there. I could write blogs even about how ridiculous working at Starbucks is! haha But I need something to do. I need something just for me that I can do in the space that I have. I need to get back in touch with that hopeful and striving girl I was. Oi, girl. I'm a woman now... I think. Oh, the wheels are turning now. There are so many stories I want to write just to catch up, and so I don't forget them. Things that have happened in my first year of marriage. Maybe I'll write about the past year for now, just to get the juices flowing again. But anyways. I'm willing to try this. I need anything that is just about ME to keep me sane. Kinda losing myself, it seems... gotta find it again. |
